I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
