Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
