Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
