I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
