i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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