Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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