we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
