Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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