I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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