I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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