The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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