If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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