the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
