it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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