so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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