when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
