it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
