the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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