this just has baby written all over it
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
