i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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