Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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