I think I won the penis lottery.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The feeling are messing with the penis
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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