She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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