??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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