I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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