we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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