i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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