New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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