I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
