Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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