matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
