When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
