He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
