Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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