take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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