Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
