I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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