I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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