When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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