She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
