Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
