I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
