I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
