Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
