I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
