I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
