hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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