Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
