i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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