Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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